POCHOLO, THE PITIUSAS MONSTER

(by Pablo Burgués)

No matter how sceptical you are, it’s impossible to go to the Loch Ness and do not dream for a moment with the idea of seeing the mythical Nessie coming out of its waters. The same happens with the Yeti if you go trekking to Tibet. Well, in Ibiza we also have our own legendary creature Typic d’aquí. It’s a magical and elusive living creature that anyone who comes to this island dreams to meet with. All those who swear they’ve seen him (always at night) agree that he’s an alpha male in his reproductive years, but nobody has been able to tell neither exactly his age nor his means of subsistence. Yes, my friends, I’m talking about the genuine Pitiusas monster, the Mediterranean Big Foot: the great Pocholo.

Indeed, I’ve been one of the chosen few who have had the huge luck of meeting this savage animal face to face. I’ve survived to tell the story… and no doubt I’m going to tell it.

One evening, a friend of mine phoned me and told me she had learnt about a vantage point from where you can see the most beautiful twilights in Ibiza. Allegedly, the place is at the top of a hill within the Ses Salines Natural Park. The point is that as the sun sets on the pools of the salt lakes they reflect the twilight, creating an amazing mirror effect. My friend asked me if I would like to go with her to look for this magical vantage point and after having a look at this incredible pic I said yes.

Well, the truth is that even if she had sent me the pic of an illegal nuclear dump in Bangladesh I would have said yes because the girl is so so gorgeous and twilights are devilishly dangerous.

When we got to the salt lakes we left the car at the foot of the hill and we started climbing up a little stone pathway. This path ended soon and we tried to go on climbing up a small earthy path. Before we could realize, we were walking cross-country and the weed was getting thicker. All we could do was to take the defeat very sportingly, to turn round and try to come back another day with more information.

On the way down we passed by a small house, and in the garden there was a huge truck that looked like one of the Paris-Dakar. When we got closer we saw that the bonnet was open and the naked legs of a guy were standing out. In front of such a disturbing image my mature and rational mind quickly enjoyed the idea that it was a wicked Transformer gobbling a man. However truth is always stranger than fiction…

It was a huge surprise when we saw the alleged prey coming out from the guts of the truck and we realized it was Pocholo himself in underpants. Before we were able to say a word, Pocholo set me apart and with a swift feline move he jumped on my friend. “Do you remember me, don’t you?”, he said, “we met in Seville when I was filming my reality TV show”. My friend told him that he was mistaken but, if he told us how to get to the vantage point we were looking for, they would be friends forever.

Pocholo told us to forget the vantage point, he said it was nonsense and that he had a much better plan for us: “guys, this hill is full of asparagus, delicious wild asparagus. So, what you have to do is go climbing and getting all the asparagus you can. When you reach the top you’ll see a cave, get into, make a fire, roast the asparagus, eat them and then… (dramatic pause)… then do make love!” Hahahahahaha, I thought it was the greater, most delirious and most unlikely advice that a human being in underpants can offer to a stranger, and because of it I’ll always love this man.

Indeed the guy was extremely friendly all the time and he even invited us to enter his house to drink something, but we couldn’t accept because we wanted to see the twilight on the salt lakes and it was getting late. When we said goodbye to Pocholo he heartily grabbed my shoulders, looked into my eyes and told me four words, only four, but so full of wisdom as the whole Bible, the Quran and the Torah all together: “guy, get her pregnant”.

I tried everything possible to achieve that praiseworthy mission I had been trusted with, but, to my great regret, I couldn’t. What I managed was to have asparagus for dinner, and not because I had the idea to buy them at Mercadona, but because, against all odds, Pocholo was right and the place was full of wild asparagus plants that we collected on our way back to the car.

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Translation: Dora Sales